No other name

The thing I’m continually trying to do more, but seems to continually do less, is pick up my cross and follow Christ. Jesus doesn’t ask for an hour out of my day to pray and read my bible and a couple of hours on Sundays and Wednesdays to go to church. He asks for us to follow His lead without regard for our own agendas. I’m always letting school, leisure, friends, and even church get in the way of falling on my face at the feet of Jesus and listening to Him. I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve come home tired from school, flopped onto my bed and taken a two-hour nap, then woke up to do homework, eat dinner, take a shower and go to bed. No bible or no deep fellowship with Jesus (unless you count my prayer before I go to sleep that I fall asleep halfway through). I have eternal unbound freedom in Christ and I choose to use it to take a nap and eat some food. Pathetic. I often feel like Peter when he tells Jesus he will not deny Him three times. I hear a good sermon or sing an emotional worship song and I tell Jesus and myself that I’m going to step it up and I will not waste away the days that blend into weeks, that blend into months. But like Peter, when real life happens I fail. I’m constantly chasing shadows. I want to live a life completely abandoned to Christ. We try to put a Christian coating on a culture that is completely against Christ. Then we wonder why it feels awkward. There are days when my passion for Jesus flat lines and I’m grumpy. I become bold enough to tell the Creator of everything that is powerfully seated in the throne room of heaven that I (the ant under His pinky toe) am annoyed and don’t feel like worshiping. There are three ways our relationship could progress on these days. He could make my head explode or smite me with a lightning bolt or flick me off the face of the planet, or He could walk away and leave me to dig myself into a hole of sin and death, or He could (by grace alone) allow me to learn and grow closer to Him and hold onto me while I kick, scream and spit in His face like an 18-year-old baby. If the relationship I have with Jesus was held together by me it would have dissolved by now. Thankfully the relationship is founded on the rock solid person of Jesus Christ. Oddly enough on those days when I wander away I end up feeling closer to Jesus by putting in less effort and having a sour attitude. I can feel His peace and love holding on to me even though my heart is taking a nap. There is a worship song that has a beautiful line in it. Every time I sing this song I get mildly annoyed with myself and begin to say this line as an aggressive prayer. It’s the deepest desire of my heart captured in words. The line in that worship song goes like this “My heart will sing no other name, Jesus….Jesus”.