The endless hole

Occasionally when I get caught up in worship on my way to school or at youth group or wherever, I get hit with a tornado of emotions. I start to really view my relationship with Jesus for what it is. One of the emotions is pure grief. I just want to break down and sob so deep the my soul would shake in my body. The most beautiful, magnificent, wondrous, innocent  person in the vastness of creation, the One that was the painter behind the creation, was ripped to pieces, bloodied and hammered with all of the punishment that I deserved. In the book Dug Down Deep Joshua Harris describes a dream he has that causes this same reaction in him. You can read about the whole dream here It’s a feeling of deep sorrow to know that my flaws caused His wounds. The second emotion I feel is horror that comes when I think of how I slap this beautiful Man, this gracious God that rescued me, in the face by continuously sinning. I become horrified at the thought that I’m falling short of the standards that my powerful and might King has. I feel like Isaiah in Isaiah 6:5 when he says “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!”. If He desired my King could torture me endlessly in ways so vile and horrific that I couldn’t dream about them in my worst nightmare, but He chooses not to. The third emotion, and the one that floods out the other two is joy so great that I can’t scream loud enough, jump high enough, or paint words colorful enough to express it. The most powerful, supreme, Being that has always been and will always be, chose to dive into anguish to show His love and glory to me. I know that He is perfect enough to not allow my transgressions to go unpunished, but He loves me enough to take all His hatred for my evils and pour it out on Himself in perfect Human form. By hating my sin and lovingly saving me  He demonstrates just how perfect He is and glorifies Himself. How amazing is that, not only does my Lord hate evil and save me, but in doing so He brings glory to His own name! Awesome. I’m filled with His joy but it’s never enough. I always want to be closer to Him, love Him more, and live for Him louder. Only an infinite God can fill an endless hole in our hearts.